Five days ago, as he was leaving for a month in Edinburgh, Leftwing Idiot entrusted me with his precious plant, my former nemesis – the geranium.

He was visibly nervous about leaving it in my care and he’s already sent me three emails asking how it’s doing. But I promised to take care of it and so far I’m staying true to my word. I don’t think there’s been a visitor to the castle in the last few days who hasn’t been reminded by my tics not to swear at the geranium.

Leftwing Idiot, if you’re reading this, rest assured I’m taking my role as protector and primary care-giver very seriously. Tonight I gently removed five shrivelled leaves, got rid of eight dead flowers, turned it round a bit, watered it, and sang it a song about seaweed.

What more could a plant wish for?

Five days down, twenty-five to go.