Love Hearts Turn Me On
Back in February Poppy gave Leftwing Idiot a giant heart-shaped plastic box full of love hearts as a Valentine’s gift. To her obvious surprise he liked them, and we’ve all been slowly making our way through them ever since.
The other day I noticed my tics were substituting their own special messages for the ones on the hearts, so as an experiment this afternoon we cracked open a packet and let my tics do the talking.
‘Why Not?’ became:
‘Why not talk about your mum’s pants?’ and ‘Why not rape acid bears?’
‘Crazy’ became:
‘I’m crazy about bins’ and ‘I’m crazy about Aardvark tits.’
‘You’re Fab’ became:
‘You’re only 55 stone’ and ‘You’re Fabio Capello’s mum.’
‘Tease Me’ became:
‘Tease me with an electric saw’ and ‘Tease me with Tantric sex.’
‘Pamper Me’ became:
‘Pampers for people over thirty’ and ‘Pamper me with pencils.’
‘Hug Me’ became:
‘Hug me with quicksand’ and ‘Hug me like Harold Shipman.’
And
‘Gee Whizz’ became:
‘Gee whizz I love talking about ashtrays’ and ‘G-Unit whizzed on my mum.’
Observant readers will notice there’s one message missing from the picture. That’s because I’d popped it in my mouth before Leftwing Idiot had a chance scan it!
Related tics
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I’m crazy about bins.
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Why not talk about your mum’s pants?
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G-Unit whizzed on my mum.
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Gee whizz I love talking about ashtrays.
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Hug me like Harold Shipman.
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Hug me with quicksand.
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Pamper me with pencils.
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Pampers for people over thirty.
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Tease me with Tantric sex
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Tease me with an electric saw
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You’re Fabio Capello’s mum.
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I’m crazy about Aardvark tits.
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Why not rape acid bears?
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