It’s not clear at this stage what another four years of Barak Obama’s presidency means for the US or the rest of the world, but it’s reasonable to assume that it’ll be better than four years of Romney. From this side of the pond it feels like Obama’s the lesser of two evils – people living in fear of drone strikes in Pakistan might disagree – so I for one am breathing a sigh of relief. In order to celebrate, I’m going to share a tic-generated acceptance speech of my own:

Thank you. I’m sorry I’m a lemon. Tonight, 48 hours after I tickled my mum’s knickers (enigmatic pause) the task of perfecting our sheep dog dancing moves forward. What this country needs is performing dogs, wearing bow ties, and maybe carrying canes.

We’ve triumphed over Rambo and some bad actors in 18th century dress. We’ve shot the sheriff but we didn’t shoot the deputy. We’re an American family and we’ll get drunk and punch each other’s faces if we feel to. But don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it could’ve been. It is the spirit of contagious horses that keeps us alive. We’re a Bosnian family. We’re one big Bosnian family, with a branch of the family from Portugal and some Welsh in there too – there’s even a dozen Cambodians.

Let’s not adopt any children. Let’s adopt a sense of idealism. Idealism killed the radio star. Tonight in this election, you revealed that democracy is basically a man called Brian dressed as a big cat. I would’ve got more votes if I’d dressed as a big cat, or an owl or maybe a beaver. Next time I’ll definitely wear a big beaver head. And then maybe I’ll give head to a beaver.

Whether you chalked it on the door or put an ‘X’ on your mum’s wall, it’s not voting, it’s a treasure hunt. There’s an elusive octogenarian called Harold carrying a few chocolate eggs and an IOU saying ‘It won’t get any worse’. Then we’re going to shave some leopards.

I congratulated the opposition and gloated with more grace than a contestant on X- Factor. I also called Brian up and told him that we were on for dinner.

We may have battled fiercely but that’s only because we were disappointed we didn’t win judo at the Olympics. Everyone would like me more if I was good at judo and badminton and had pigtails and wore a gingham halter neck dress and was called Brian. Have I mentioned Brian yet? I love Brian. I’d really like to thank Brian.

We can work together to move Brian out of the building. We are going to move forward to bring Elvis back. We’re going to bring back subsistence farming. We’re going to talk about the lack of Calpol in foreign biscuits. What about bins?

I want to thank the beach balls in my underwear drawer for making me feel frisky in the morning. I want to thank my barber, Alan Dick Van Dyke for making me look smarter than I am. I’d like to thank my shinbones for helping me stand up straight. I wish I were a bear.

(Prolonged cheering)

I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if it wasn’t for Babs from Blackpool. Barbara Hepworth died, bloody death with a bloody orange.

I’ve never been prouder to lick an envelope. To the best champagne bath in the history of politics, to the best Sat Nav impersonator in the history of politics, to the best upholstered sofa in the history of politics, and to bears, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my shins.

(Repetitive cheering, wink at the nation)

All of you have names that begin with B except for the person called Charlotte at the back. All of you have ruffled my hair and tickled my shins. Everybody say, ‘Rummage in my sock drawer.’

Wherever you go in life you will have a lifetime supply of dauphinoise potatoes and Argos vouchers. You lift me up so I can reach the light bulb. To Enoch Powell, you lift me up so I can prune the branches. Politics is nothing more than some egg fried rice, a satsuma and a couple of peacocks strutting around looking for peas. Don’t look for peas, look for peace. Look for peace of mind. Look for everybody having a piece of the cake.

Running a nation can be fury and frightening and fishy. We’re going to stir a big pot of soup and let everyone have some. We can never forget that as we speak hundreds of thousands of people will be eating shit. There are some children who only have Brian.

David Cameron will tweet at you later. Ignore him, he’s insignificant. The planet’s warming up – I’m not going to tell you about it. Countries can’t move, they’re fixed into the ground. We’ll all have to move to Saturn at the end of the world. Say yes to tolerance, say no to tortoises.

I’ll be your president for another month – one month, one day and one fairy. Everyone should get a Furby. I’m glad to be your hero and spank a biscuit every day. I’ll fight for Des O’Connor and the darling buds of May. I’ll be a little sheepdog, Brian Adams says I may.

Don’t worry about the Normans or the frayed carpet in the living room. For all the lamp-posts that stand on street corners I say thank you, you bright shits, I love cat’s eyes. To every kitchen appliance I say beware, we’re reforming kitchen appliance rules. You might be out of date but you’re not out of luck, corkscrew.

If you want to be a tadpole I’m fighting for your future. That’s where we need to go. Progress will come in bits and bobs. We’re going to build a consensus about sand. Our economy is stagnant like a damp pool growing blue green algae. I’ve learnt from bankers and archbishops, and with your shandy backing I’m more inspired than ever about fairy tits.

I’m going to start taking advice from Zack Efron. One in three major decisions will be made by Zack Efron – the others will be made by a chimpanzee called Marley. We’ll take the lead from a cartoon alien, that’s my cunning plan.

More child brides, I say more child brides! Say ‘gay marriage is good for families and women should have the right to choose.’

I return to the shed and to the drawing board and I’ll hold up my election promise, I won’t let things get more shit. They wont be as shit as they would have been.

I’ll leave you with this message – it could be worse. You could live in the UK and have all the major decisions made by a sodden fairy cake soaked in privilege with his gums gummed together with peanut butter and champagne sorbet.

Elect someone because they’re empathetic and not because they can ride a tricycle.

 

Fortunately for everyone, I haven’t just been elected president of one of the world’s most influential countries, but if I had I’d want to make sure that fairness and equality were at the heart of my policies as well my speeches. Let’s hope President Obama has the courage and opportunity to bring about some positive changes this time around.