It’s New Year’s resolutions time again, when we all promise ourselves we’ll get fit and lose weight after the excesses of Christmas, or even take on the really big challenges of drinking less or giving up smoking. But how many of our resolutions will we actually stick to beyond the first couple of weeks in January? That’s always the problem.

If you feel like making some resolutions that are different from the ones you’ve tried year after year but not managed, have a look at the ones my tics have suggested for some of my friends – maybe you’ll find something to have a go at:

Ruth should make sure she marries an aardvark this year. She should join a dating club with Tommy Hilfiger, Santa and a beetroot called babe – lactating.

Leftwing Idiot should give up donkeys. They’re really hairy and make him stink of donkey wee.

Poppy should grow poppies. Poppy should grow more poppies. She’s got a name called Poppy and she’s never grown a fucking poppy. Poppy should grow some fucking poppies in 2013, motherfucker. Poppy, grow an apple tree. Poppy, grow an aardvark, grow a daffodil called Stan.

Claire should milk a horse and then drink its milk every Thursday. Claire, you should use donkey sperm for shampoo. Claire, stop at traffic lights in 2013.

Mr Otter should never have a wash because it damages his polyester coating. Mr Otter’s never going to be stroked by Bunny again until April. Mr Otter should then stroke himself with his little polyester paw.

Fat Sister should relax and take up tai-chi.

Bunny should go to Mexico and become a flower girl and a pink wafer. She should wear a pink wafer on her head in Mexico and talk Spanish to everybody.

Fran should join a rock group. She should join an all-female quartet. Fran, you need to try harder at learning the flute this year. And do less anthropology and more horsing around with a disco.

King Russell’s battering himself with table tennis. He should make sure he batters himself with table tennis by putting down the bat. I love large legs. Knees. I love large knees – dinner plate knees, motherfucker.

Zoë should get more tattoos of donkeys on her body. She’s got a zebra but it looks a bit like a sheep. Zoë, it’s time to learn to swim like a big girl – without armbands. Zoë, take the stabilisers off your bike this year.

Brian, go and live in Swansea. Brian, I love you Brian. You should ask a donkey to marry you. Brian, learn a trade like brickwork.

And for 2013 I’m going to learn to spell otter better. I might learn to spell Mississippi. I’m going to learn to spell, I’m going to learn my times tables and the alphabet. No, no, for 2013 I’m going to be better at shampooing my hair. I’m going to be better at using a biscuit. I’m going to not say biscuit ever again. In 2013 I’m never again going to say biscuit. Biscuit, biscuit, biscuit, biscuit, biscuit, biscuit, biscuit, biscuit. From 2013 I will never say ‘Biscuit’ even when I want a biscuit I’ll never say ‘Biscuit’ biscuit.

Good luck if you’re planning to make a resolution for 2013. I hope you’re able to stick to it better than my friends will with theirs.