This evening Zoë and I got onto the subject of dating. We’re both single and we were discussing things that we shouldn’t say on a first date. My tics seized on this and started listing things I definitely shouldn’t say when trying to attract a boy….

“Start a fire in my heart and then put it out with your piss.”
“Would you like a passport picture of my mother?”
“I like cantaloupe melons on my tits.”
“I insist on paying half of all fractions.”
“I’m very bad at adultery.”
“Don’t say I love you. I love you!”
“Is it sexy if you have to brush my teeth?”
“I need you to cut up anything harder than a banana.”
“I need more loving than an ostrich.”
“When I grow up I want to have 18 cats.”

It’s no great relief to find that my tics have a comprehensive list of things I shouldn’t say, because I know I wouldn’t be able to stop myself saying them.

But I’m pleased to announce that Zoë and I have now struck a deal. We’re going to team up when we’re meeting new people.

Zoë will impress potential suitors with her caring, compassionate side, and I’ll look independent and carefree, safe in the knowledge that I won’t have to cut up my own food or hold a glass of wine.

I’ll keep you posted on how we get on….