I stayed at Leftwing Idiot’s again last night. His spare room where I sleep is just next to the kitchen, and the kitchen’s the domain of the geranium!

For almost three years my tics have been obsessed with this plant and until recently they were regularly bombarding it with insults. Lately they’ve warmed to it slightly and a few weeks ago I even sang it a spontaneous apology for all the abuse it’s suffered.

In the last few months the geranium’s had a ridiculously big growth spurt. As I got ready for bed last night my tics were chatting away to it:

“Geranium, you’re very tall.”
“Gangly geranium”
“Geranium, are you reaching for the sun?”
“Geranium, what are you playing at?”
“Geranium, what are you plotting?”

At this point Leftwing Idiot shouted from the other room ‘It’s going to come and take its revenge while you’re asleep.’

This possibility was clearly still on my mind this morning because as I went past the plant first thing I ticced “Uh-oh geranium, you’ve grown another four inches in the night.”

Perhaps I’m only being nice to it because I’m afraid of what it might do to me if it gets any bigger.