I’ve written several times recently about the theme of bestiality in my tics. There have been songs about various animals and particular obsessions with sheep, goats and cats. The latest creature to get in on the action is the humble duck.

However, this time duck sex isn’t something my tics are advocating for everybody. Instead, they’ve decided this unsavoury activity is unique to Poppy and Leftwing Idiot and they’ve been relentlessly targeting both of them with questions about it for several weeks now. Almost every conversation I have them ends up peppered with dirty duck talk.

“But have you had sex with a duck?”
“Do you cuddle with a duck in the middle?”
“Have you had sex with nine ducks while I’ve been out of the room?”

Predictably, they’re both finding it all very funny, but to thank them for their patience during this new phase I bought a fitting gift for each of them.

Last night I presented them with ‘His and Hers’ plush toy ducks.

Photo: Zoe Kinross

They were delighted with their presents, but my tics were quick to point out that they “Mustn’t fuck them in polite company.”

Let’s hope, for everyone’s sake, they don’t.