For several months now I’ve been ticcing a song accusing various friends of having inappropriate sexual relations with furniture and animals.

To start with the song focussed solely on Zoë and was sung loosely to the tune of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean:

“Zoë had sex with a table,
Zoë had sex with a bin.
Zoë had sex with a donkey’s foreskin,
There’s nowhere that Zoë’s not been.”

Over the weeks it’s expanded to implicate other people including Poppy, Fran, Will and Leftwing Idiot. Then, unexpectedly, this afternoon the tables turned and I found myself the subject of the song:

“I had sex with a table,
I had sex with a bin.
I had sex with a donkey’s foreskin,
There’s nowhere that I haven’t been.”

This sudden reversal took me by surprise and made me laugh.

For the record I’ve not been intimate with any of the items mentioned. Nor, I hope, have any of my friends.