A couple of weeks ago I wrote an open letter to the Pig Fairy complaining about delays in the supply of Piggies. Well she, or he, has replied and I feel embarrassed by my impatience. Here’s our correspondence, re-produced with the Pig Fairy’s permission.

Dear Touretteshero,

Firstly I want to thank you for your appreciation of my work. I enjoy it very much and am glad others do too.

You appreciate it so much in fact that your tone, if you don’t mind me being frank, seemed slightly impatient in the email you recently sent me. As you can imagine pig-making is not actually the most lucrative line of work, and it’s also fairly time-consuming. The sweeping cuts imposed by this Government are affecting all of us. Take for example my good friend the Easter Bunny who had only two tiny chicks helping out last weekend; then there’s Father Christmas who’s already doing funding applications for December 2017, and the Elves, who are threatening another strike. As you know, these are all much better-known celebration figures than I am, so I’m sure you can understand my struggle; we all have bills to pay.

But I don’t wish to be rude because I really am so happy to be a part of your celebration of fit-free days. I’m somewhat of a perfectionist, and I want each Piggy to be the best that it can be for you. I am very sorry for the delay, but please know that I have not forgotten you, and that here at PigWorkz® we are hard at it, trying to get them done.

With regard to Leftwing Idiot, I agree he really could be a bit more liberal with them; those stickers don’t come cheap. My suggestion is that if he’s not using them he should pass them onto someone who will.

Keep up the very important work of spreading your message, and keeping me busy with your diverse and crazy Piggy requests.

Yours sincerely

The Pig Fairy

PS. Break a leg in Edinburgh

I was ridiculously excited to receive this email and replied immediately. I’m even more excited that I now have a direct line to the Pig Fairy who has a surprisingly down to earth email address.