My tics often come tumbling out in a rush, many with their own distinct voice and intonation. So this morning it was strange to find myself ticcing in a way that sounded a bit different.

I was ticcing like a language learning tape – the type advertised during afternoon TV – where someone speaks a line in a particular language followed by a gap during which the listener’s expected to repeat what they’ve just heard.

My tics were definitely in English, but their tone was unmistakably language-tape. Their content, however, would probably not be much use to the average learner:

“Your mother is fucking a goat.”
(Gap for repeat)
“The cat is using the toaster.”
(Gap for repeat)
“The Landrover is teasing the bear.”
(Gap for repeat)
“Where is Jeremy Clarkson’s conscience?”
(Gap for repeat)

It got me thinking about how strange anyone’s vocabulary would be if they studied at the Tourettes School of English. But it wouldn’t be all sweary as some people might assume. Instead we’d turn out students confident in commenting on an array of ‘B’ list celebrities and on animal behaviour – often at the same time!