Election campaigning is in full swing here in the UK as we speed towards polling day on May 7th. In the last few days lots of the main political parties have been launching their manifestos. They’ve been all over the news, and every time another slick political catch-phrase sticks in my ear, my tics respond with their own:

“A Better Yucca Plant, a Better Future”

“A Brighter, More Secure, Foreskin”

“A Manifesto With Balloons at its Heart”

“For The Common Bin”

“Policies for People Dressed As Unicorns”

I thought I’d go one step further and let my tics create their own mini-manifesto.

“A Bigger Bang, A Brighter Cat, a Better Biscuit”

Economy: “I pledge to invest in anagrams of the word ‘owl.’”

Health: “I guarantee octopus doctors for every fourth bear.”

Education: “I guarantee a blank cheque and blanket for every child.”

Housing: “I pledge extra homes for hedgehogs.”

Immigration: “I guarantee a warm welcome and warm socks for anyone with an imagination.”

Environment: “I promise to make all politicians biodegradable.”

Cats: “I pledge a sparkly hat and a position of power for every cat.”

Like other politicians I provide no guarantees and accept no responsibility for actually making any of these happen.