We’re seven days into December and it’s hard to escape the festive preparations, with emotive TV adverts, recipes for mince pies at every turn, and Christmas songs piped relentlessly into shops and radios across the country.

True to form my tics have absorbed all this input, mashed it about a bit and released it back into the world in the form of involuntary song.

Here’s what I woke up singing this morning:

“In the bleak mid winter lamp-post stood forlorn,
Leg as cold as iron, dog piss for a shawl.

Shit had fallen, shit on shit, shit on shit on shit,
Not from a pigeon’s bum cheeks, but from Uuu-K-iiii-P.”

But that was far from it:

“Jingle dog, Jingle dog, pissing all the way,
Oh what fun it is to fuck a donkey with a sleigh.

Jingle dog, Jingle dog, what’ve you done today?
Wrapped an elephant in a box and delivered it the festive way –
Over packaged and with oblique instructions.”

And for an encore I went back to the song I’ve been singing since April:

“I’m waving at cats,
I’m waving at cats,
I’m waving at cats but they’re not waving back,
I’m gonna just keep waving at cats.”

“I’m waving at cats,
I’m waving at cats,
I’m waving at cats but they’re not waving back,
Because they’re too busy laughing at the stupid dog on the trampoline.
I’m gonna just keep waving at cats.”

Feel free to join in with any of these songs as we thunder on towards Christmas.