We’re back in London after the first week of touring Burnt Out In Biscuit Land. We came back through central London which is already heaving with flags for the coronation next week.

I read an article about the pledge of allegiance that will form part of the coronation ceremony. My tics immediately started making suggestions of their own, so I quickly hit record on my phone. I now proudly offer the following as alternatives to the official pledge to the King:

“I Pledge Allegiance to 15% of the world’s aardvark population, a hat with a shadow on it and a Bryan Adams impersonator from Wigan.”

“I Pledge Allegiance to Donkey Kong, Ferrero Rocher and a radish named Peter.”

“I Pledge Allegiance to the cat and all his hairs, Bob Geldof’s shin and a fanfare.”

“I Pledge Allegiance to my own spirit, my soul and a radish named Pat and all his heirs, so help me God.”

“I Pledge Allegiance to waves, rational thought and kindness in the form of chocolate logs.”

“I Pledge Allegiance to ring binders, rats and rummaging in my own mind.”

“I Pledge Allegiance to Colin The Caterpillar Cakes, Latvian street dancers and salad dressing.”

“I Pledge Allegiance to hope, to Haribo and to flights of fancy, so help me frog.”

“I Pledge Allegiance to the spirit of Keith Chegwin, light on a Friday afternoon, and to a pair of shorts in a Bradford summer.”

“I Pledge Allegiance to the roots of rebellion, to the leaves of love and to drainpipes in a storm.”

Please feel free to shout any of these from the rooftops, or whisper them under your breath in your nan’s living room.

While I might not be ready to swear allegiance to the King, I’m always ready to put my faith in friendship, creativity, and the power of laughter.