Just after Christmas my friend Lottie told me about a product she’d seen at a trade fair – a wearable hot water bottle. She thought it might be useful in helping me to manage the pain I’ve been having in my hips and back, and she was right.

I ordered one and a few days ago it arrived. The extra long hot water bottle can be tied around your body in a number of different ways. It’s also comically long and I’ve been calling it ‘the elephant penis’, a name that seems to have stuck with all my support workers.

It might not be the most inconspicuous hot water bottle I’ve ever had but feeling it’s warmth along my painful spine is brilliant and definitely outweighs any mild embarrassment I feel about its phallic proportions.

“The elephant penis in the room.”
“Penis bottle, warmer than a scarf on an avocado.”
“Elephant penis, my flexible friend.”