My friend Ruth got a new job today. I rang to congratulate her but it went straight to voicemail. My message went like this:

“Hi Ruth,
I just called to say
“Tits”.
No actually I didn’t.
“Tits”.
I rang to say congratulations on your
“Tits”.
“Congratulations on your new tits.”
“Tits”, “Tits”, “Tits”.
I give up.
“Give me a biscuit,”
or maybe just a call when you can.
Well done.
“Fuck a sheep.”

I was laughing when I hung up, not just because the message was funny but because Ruth has Tourettes too, and I could imagine how may more ‘Tits’ would be flying about once she’d heard the message.