It’s not all about biscuits on here you know – far from it. A quick search of my tics for ‘Bears’ currently returns over 100 results, and they’ve made a wide range of wild claims about our furry friends over the years, including:

‘Polar bears riot in Tottenham.’

‘Posttraumatic stress disorder is rare in bears.’

And

‘People with Tourettes are bears’ –not yet conclusively proved.

So it’s only fitting that these big beasts should’ve made their way into a ticced song or two.

Over the last week bears, and more specifically their toileting habits, have become the inspiration for an evolving ticced song of epic proportions. It’s hard to convey the magnitude of this piece, simply because it’s so enormous. It’s also tricky because once one version of the song’s popped out I can’t remember the melody of the version it’s replaced.

Fortunately though, Leftwing Idiot and Poppy were on hand the other night to preserve in writing the second movement of my mutating anthem:

“Oh bears, why are you so non-conformist when you poo?
Oh bears, why are you so sensual when you poo?
Oh bears, why are you so randy when you poo?
Oh bears, why are you so ignorant when you poo?
Oh bears, why are you so gymnastic when you poo?
Oh bears, why are you so agitated when you poo?
Oh bears, why are you so telescopic when you poo?
Oh bears, why are you so cunning when you poo?
Oh bears, why are you so self-conscious when you poo?
Oh bears, why are you so tantric when you poo?

They clearly have a lot of issues and my advice to you is if you do happen to see a bear shitting in the woods, rather than questioning it just let it get on and do whatever it needs to do.