I’m forever bombarding my friends and family with very strange ticced questions such as:

“Have you pissed on a unicorn in the last four days?”

or

“Can you get a kangaroo holding a jelly through your letterbox?”

But recently my questioning has taken a new turn and I’ve been quizzing people on what they’re thinking. For example, Zoë dropped round earlier and immediately faced a high-speed ticced interrogation:

“How many times have you thought about bears today?”
“Have you thought about Alan’s pants in the last four minutes?”
“How many times have you thought about otter sex in the last hour?”
“Have you thought about cats eyes today?”
“Have you thought about silver-plated camels today?”
“Have you thought about sarcastic elbow-dancing today?”
“Have you thought about Plato today?”
“Have you thought about if killer whales have vaginas today?
“What about greyhounds?”

Here are her answers:
“Maybe”, “No”, “27’, “No”, “No”, “I will now”, “No – but I should think about the great philosophers more’, “No – although I’d hope that some of them do”, “I prefer whippets.”