It’s Christmas morning at the castle. There’s a cheerful clattering coming from the kitchen and a sizzling sound as Fat Sister makes bacon sandwiches. And I can hear the rustle of King Russell packing Christmas presents into bags, ready to go into the car.

I’m sitting warm and cosy in bed, intermittently shouting Christmas greetings… to the lamp-post!

“Morning, lamp-post, you look more festive than Eddie Izzard on a horse.”
“Happy Christmas lamp-post, light of my world.”
“I don’t need the star of Bethlehem, I’ve got the lamp-post.”

And to the TV aerial…

“TV aerial where’s your paper hat?”

And to the chimneys on the hotel next door…

“Chimney, have you been rubbed by Santa’s bum cheeks yet today?”

OK, and to the trees too…

“Merry Christmas, trees – where’s your tinsel?”

And…

“Happy Christmas, light bulbs.”
“Season’s greetings, shower head.”
“Put some sparkly socks on, foot stool.”

Now there’s giggling coming from the kitchen as well as the noise of frying bacon. After breakfast Fat Sister, King Russell and I are going swap gifts (Fat Sister’s been bursting to do this since yesterday afternoon). We’re then going to bundle into the car to go and spend Christmas Day day with our family. Then we’ll be back at the castle later for more festive gift swapping, films and food.

Whatever your plans are I hope your day’s full of happiness, laughter and peace. And if you’re struggling, please take care of yourself and reach out to others for help.

While I’ve been writing my tics have issued more surreal Christmas greetings, this time to:

“Sandra Bullock, forests everywhere, crazy paving, King Lear, nine Chihuahuas, and the underwear of everyone called Delia.”

At this rate I should’ve covered every living person and every inanimate object in the world by Boxing Day.

My love, biscuits and Christmas wishes to you all.

Festive Outburst

“Merry Christmas living organisms.”