We’re seven days into 2015 and so far my tics have contributed:

An alternative version of the Bohemian Rhapsody, eight unconventional uses for peanut butter, some imagination-enhancing mental imagery, and a recipe for caramelised onion and peach meringue.

Not wanting any of these valuable nuggets to get overshadowed by events later on I’m recording them all here for posterity.

Aladdin Bohemian Rhapsody

Aladdin just killed a man,
Put a lamp against his head,
Pulled a pensive seal pup now he’s wed.

Aladdin life had just begun,
And now you’ve gone and learnt cross- stitch in the dark.

Aladdin, oohy, ooh,
Didn’t mean to make a sheep do acrobatics in a nostalgic way,
Carry on, carry on like nothing really matters.

Eight Important Uses of Peanut Butter

1. Peanut butter expanding foam and drain repair kit
2. Peanut butter cat hair removing lavender face strip
3. Peanut-butter-flavoured horseradish revolution
4. Peanut butter safety surfacing service
5. Peanut butter albatross extermination helpline
6. Peanut butter orthopaedic socks
7. Peanut butter doorframe enhancement programme
8. Peanut butter electric blanket

Mental Images

“Imagine a guy in a 14th century door costume.”
“Imagine a lumberjack eating an avocado balanced on the whims of your generation.”
“Imagine the whole of human history naked in a bath.”
“Imagine what your mum would do with an erotic killer whale and an electric whisk.”

Recipe Section

“Caramelised onion and peach meringue:
Put nine letters from the alphabet into a mixing bowl,
Beat in a worm.
Add white wine vinegar, a nun’s habit, and a saccharine speech about dolphins, and a peach.
Cook on a low heat until cress grows in your mind.”

Thank goodness for all these valuable insights, I can’t imagine how we’d get through the year without them.