“Biscuit, biscuit, biscuit bear,
Biscuit, biscuit.
Biscuit, biscuit, biscuit, bear,
Biscuit, biscuit bear.”

When I popped out to get some milk earlier there was a police van on the street outside the lair. As I walked past, swearing and shouting “Biscuit”, an officer who was searching someone turned and looked me up and down.…

I’m not used to hearing unexpected noises in public that don’t come from me. This morning on my way to work I heard a lovely sound being made by a builder working nearby.

He was on some scaffolding, and he sang as he lowered a bucket.…

Fat Sister was showing Leftwing Idiot a karaoke feature on our TV this evening. As an example she started to play the Afroman tune ‘Because I got high.’ Tourettes took over immediately and I started ticcing alternative lyrics. Some are funny but a couple are so shocking I wasn’t sure about writing them down.…

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been singing my, “I’m a baby” song. The full lyrics are:

“I’m a baby,
You’re a baby,
Poke a baby,
Bank a baby.”

This has been amusing many of my friends, particularly Leftwing Idiot who sings along.…

When I was younger my mum often used to sing Amazing Grace but I don’t think the lyrics she sang were quite the same as those I ticced tonight:

“Amazing Grace, how dare you be a bitch?”
“Amazing Grace, I paired off with Michael Jackson’s mum.”…

Here’s my version of I’d do Anything from the musical Oliver. It came from nowhere this evening and is presented here (almost) verbatim:

“I’d do anything for fucking mums, bitches and dog poo tits.

I’d do anything for a caged monkey in Peru.…

Ku Klung Klung might not mean anything to most of you, but there will be a few people reading this who might recognise it as a tune by Red Dragon. The track is apparently about what it sounds like when you have sex with a skinny girl.…

My tics fall into three broad categories. First, the regular tics I say hundreds of times every day. Second, the occasional tics that I’ll say only once or a handful of times. These two categories have already been discussed. I haven’t yet talked about the third type that are intense explosions of themed tics which come out over a short period of time with fearsome force.…

The Tourettes crazy language machine swung into a frenzy this evening to the tune of “If you’re happy and you know it.” All these tics occurred in the first half hour and then I repeated them full blast for several hours:

“Norma Major’s in your mouth, take a bite.”…