The general election’s just three days away and I can’t wait – I’ve never been so ready to vote. The last five years have felt like the longest years ever – they could’ve been five decades.

My life looks very different now from what it did half a decade ago.…

My tics love offering choices, so much that there’s a whole category dedicated to ‘choose’ tics.

My favourites include:

“Bass or space? Choose.”
“Geometric paperweights or roundhouses? Choose.”
“Beef or eyelashes? Choose.”
“Acrylic nails or TV sales? Choose.”
And
“Dogs in wolves clothing or sheep in a gale?…

David Cameron on the campaign trail made a revealing slip yesterday when he described the Election as “career-defining” before correcting himself and saying “country defining.”

I’ve just watched the video, and my tics immediately seized on the phrase:

“This is a real career-defining donkey.”…

Election campaigning is in full swing here in the UK as we speed towards polling day on May 7th. In the last few days lots of the main political parties have been launching their manifestos. They’ve been all over the news, and every time another slick political catch-phrase sticks in my ear, my tics respond with their own:

“A Better Yucca Plant, a Better Future”

“A Brighter, More Secure, Foreskin”

“A Manifesto With Balloons at its Heart”

“For The Common Bin”

“Policies for People Dressed As Unicorns”

I thought I’d go one step further and let my tics create their own mini-manifesto.…

Last week I wrote about my annoying new “What about cats?” tic, but there’s some contention amongst my friends about how new it really is, with some claiming it’s been around for months.

I do have one tic that’s definitely new on the scene though, and I find it a lot less irritating:

“I’m a solid”

As well as enjoying it and the ideas it conjures up, I’m also enjoying the range of responses from my friends.…

I was hanging out with Poppy earlier when I suddenly started having a ‘ticcing fit’ that, without any reason or warning, was abruptly gate-crashed by whales. Fortunately Poppy had the presence of mind to press record on her phone:

“Whale cocks make the panthers jealous.…

A few days ago I woke in the early hours of the morning having a ‘ticcing fit’. Poppy was doing my overnight support and quickly came to help me.

After five minutes or so my speech returned, or to be more accurate my vocal tics returned.…

The other night as I got ready for bed my vocal tics were distracted from their usual focus. The lamp-post I normally chat to as part of my bedtime routine was let off the hook for a change, to be replaced by a bold new subject – Will’s testicles.…

Last night I stayed with Fat Sister and King Russell. While we were having breakfast this morning King Russell suggested that Fat Sister was in fact part cat. My tics happily took up the challenge of listing her other ingredients, before moving onto his.…

In a day that may be unlucky for some, this Friday 13th is Red Nose day as well. And that’s something I’ve been very aware of all afternoon because my colleagues have spent it inflating a crazy number of red balloons.…